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>ASK BONNIE>RANDOM QUERY | Take This Pillow and Shove It |
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| Q&A with Bonnie Biv | November 27, 12:47 a.m. | |
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My wife covers our sofas and chairs with throw pillows. She complains if I sit on them OR if I leave them on the floor. I can’t get comfortable in my own home. What do you say to that?
Let me guess: You are also surrounded by Dupioni table runners, dusty scented pillar candles, ornamental picture frames, and faux Tuscan antiques, correct? I’m sorry to have to tell you this, pal: Your wife is a Décor Whore.
You see, while hetero men view their sofas as butt-hugging happiness zones, wives typically use furniture to visually frame a room. It’s nesting instinct, newly mutated by the Home and Garden Network. “Throw” pillows have become “meticulously arranged” pillows; your comfort has become inconsequential. And with such large canvases to work with, Décor Whores simply can’t resist the plethora of plump, high-priced pillows available at Horchow.
What’s worse, many Martha Stewarts change their palettes with the season, so you likely have a closet stacked rafter-high with luminescent oranges, greens and pastels too.
Your best approach is a full lobotomy and a Burning Man-style ritual in the backyard—with pillows for fuel. However, assuming your lovely spouse possesses traits that you are rather fond of – such as real breasts and a mouthwatering Beef Stroganoff – there are less Stepford-esque ways to get along.
You might ask your tasteful sweetie to designate a hubby-chair in your fave room. Suggest that she accessorize your space only with touchable fabrics and cheap synthetic inserts (that’s the pillow inside the pillow).
If that won’t work (it may throw the whole room off-balance, you understand), agree to stack the glossy squares neatly against the sofa when you settle in. I realize this is a major commitment on your part, but you’re the one who frequently wants to get into her pants. Sometimes it really is as simple as not pitching her things across the floor.
Of course if it were me, I would probably tell her to get a job, learn to sew, and stop spending our hard-earned cash on 1000%-markup feather-stuffed junk from communist-turns-capitalist-and-eats-America-alive China.
| And Now, A Word From My Affiliate |
| Readers Bite Back (Sink Teeth Here) |
But I wait with bated breath.
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