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Unlike your BFFs, cousins or gay caballeros –
who will either sing what you want to hear,
or deride your sanity-challenged choices
behind your back – I'll pluck it straight without
real-life repercussion. No, I haven't experienced
it all. I am, however, well educated. And my white
horse is a compelling shade of gray—unless you
sicken me or victimize others, gawddamned pervs.
I hope you guys get ass-cancer and die.
As for us "normal" people, we can all use an
unbiased sounding board, yes? Plus I (and my
half-dozen voyeuristic readers) get some train-
wreck joy at your expense. See? Everybody's
happy. So. Fess up any necessary background
info along with your query and sound-off to
complete strangers. Let's solve some probs!
Or, er, worsen them considerably. I mean, I
am an affirmed hypocrite, after all. But
you know what they say: Every time God
shuts a door, He tries not to let it
hit you in the ass.
Note submission terms below.*
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Maybe It IS Rocket Surgery! |
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| Q&A with Bonnie Biv |
December 9 , 7:23 p.m. |
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Whuddup B,
What the hell is rocket-surgery?
Nothing sucks the fun out of witty repartee like having to describe why it’s witty.
However, I am not above explaining mixed metaphors to my dozen blessed readers out there, because frankly, I love you guys...
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Take This Pillow and Shove It |
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| Q&A with Bonnie Biv |
November 27, 12:47 a.m. |
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Hey Bonnie,
My wife covers our sofas and chairs with throw pillows. She complains if I sit on them OR if I leave them on the floor. I can’t get comfortable in my own home. What do you say to that?
Let me guess: You are also surrounded by Dupioni table runners, dusty scented pillar candles, ornamental picture frames, and faux Tuscan antiques, correct? I’m sorry to have to tell you this, pal...
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Trouble With Toilet Paper |
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| Q&A with Bonnie Biv |
November 29, 1:16 a.m. |
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Hey Bonnie,
Why can't my husband change the damned toilet paper roll? This is not rocket-surgery!
I’m afraid I am guilty of the Quilted Northern drive-by too. And I’ll tell you why: When I finally get ten private minutes locked away from the kids for – er – quiet reflection, the last thing I want to deal with is an unplanned mechanical endeavor... |
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*Before you Ask Bonnie, note these galling terms: You agree that your submission (1) becomes mine without compensation to you, and (2) can be used for any purpose in any way, even if it ticks you off. No real names will be used, regardless of my opinion of you. Don’t hand me anything too profound; emotionally I’m a man. I’m compassionate, but if you need unconditional love you should probably adopt a dog.
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